Monday 6 August 2012

Breastfeeding, a mothers choice...



breastfeeding a toddler

When it comes to feeding babies, breastfeeding mothers often get a bad reputation for 'pushing' their feeding choices on others and causing mothers who bottle feed to feel guilty for not giving their child what many see as the best start in life. The phrases 'breastfeeding mafia' and 'breastapo' or simply 'bully' are often used to demonise women who are just passionate about the choices they have made for their child. I personally have had to be very careful what I say when offering support to other mums who have been struggling so I haven't caused offence to those who have been unable to, or chosen not to breastfeed.

I know that making the decision to breastfeed your child is not always an easy choice, I have friends for whom medication, or medical conditions have been a deciding factor in their feeding choices and I also have friends who have made the informed decision that they would just prefer to bottle feed.

I have nothing against mothers who decide that breastfeeding is not for them. I am however, passionate that there is enough information and support available to every mother so they can make an informed choice.

With my first child I gave up nursing him a lot earlier than I had intended and I now feel that if the right support had been available to me I would not have been left in a position where I believed that switching to formula was the best thing for my child's health. I felt like I had failed in one of the basic elements of being a mother. These guilty feelings were not due to what others had thought or said, but rather a result of not living up to my own personal ideals. My feelings of failure do not mean that I view other bottle feeding mums in the same way, there are many different ways of raising happy, healthy children.

For me, my experiences with my first child made me even more determined to succeed in reaching six months of exclusive breastfeeding with my second, and despite having to overcome many hurdles, with the help and support of others, (both in online forums and local groups) I reached this goal. By this point we were on a roll and I was determined to continue to breastfeed my daughter for as long as she wanted and I felt comfortable with.

We are now over 20 months into our breastfeeding journey and over the last few months I have encountered a new kind of guilt, the guilt of the extended breastfeeder...

Although it seems to be thought of as wrong for a breastfeeding mother to question the choices of her bottle feeding peers, I now find that it is apparently completely acceptable for others to ridicule the decision of a mother who continues to breastfeed her child past the age of one.

Despite the World Health Organisation advocating breastfeeding up until the age of two or beyond, It seems that in our society, once a baby grows out of the 'cute babe in arms' stage then it is no longer seen as 'right' or 'natural' to think of them at their mothers breast. Instead we are happy to stand in judgement and make sweeping generalisations that nursing a toddler is 'just not right' or that it could be harming the child's development.

As my daughter has started to lose her 'baby like' looks and grow into a bright and bubbly toddler, I have been told many times by both family members and friends (and in one case a total stranger) that she is too old to still be feeding, I have been accused of holding on to it for selfish reasons and not wanting to let go, (of course I don't want to let go, she is my daughter, when she is eighteen and getting ready to leave for University I will not want to let go, but I shall not be offering her my breast!), I have also been told that there is no benefit for her to continue to feed at this age, (this is simply not true ). I have even been asked, 'did I know that breastfeeding an older child can have an effect on their sexuality in later life?!' Now that one I didn't even warrant with a response.

So it seems that if a breastfeeding mother questions the feeding choices of her bottle feeding peers she will be branded a 'bully'. However it is acceptable for others to call an image of a toddler being breastfed 'disgusting ' or 'just plain wrong' without thinking of the feelings of that mother or other mothers who are subjected to these views.

Well I for one respect the choices that any mother makes for their child, I will not judge a mother who chooses to bottle feed, and I expect the same courtesy in return when it comes to my feeding my daughter for as long as she wishes.

 

24 comments:

  1. I love this post.

    I am really surprised by people's attitudes to extended breastfeeding.

    I expressed for my son for 10 weeks but we couldn't go on to full breastfeeding for quite a few reasons.

    However, I always intended to feed until he didn't want to anymore. Someone asked me the other day "if breastfeeding had worked out when would you have stopped?" and my reply was "oh around 12 I think".

    It baffles me why people think milk from another mammal is superior to its mother. That confuses me.

    I am sorry you have copped some attitude, people are unbelievable!

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    1. Thanks Kylie! The attitude suprises me too, but i think in most cases it is not malicious but ignorance...

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  2. I breastfed my youngest until last October when she was 3 and 1/2 years old.It was a big struggle to get her started and we ended up combo feeding from 4 1/2 months until she was 7 months.Not ideal but it was just a blip at a time when I was most vulnerable and family life was upside down.I wanted to hit the 2 year mark and as we were both happy to carry on, we did.If you ever want to guest post over at mine (PLUS 2.4) you would be most welcome.

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    1. Three and a half years is fantastic! :) I would love to guest post, love your blog Aly, thanks for commenting x

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  3. Excellent post.

    Whilst pregnant I had no intention of breastfeeding, due to a number of personal issues it just didn't sit comfortably. However, minutes after my son was born, we had skin to skin and he latched on with no assistance at all. And it felt amazing. And I know we were incredibly lucky.

    However, H wouldn't/couldn't feed in public, whether that was my own insecurities or his nosiness I don't know and by 6 months I had given up altogether. Mixed feeding and giving up didn't feel like they were my choices so I hope that if we have another we will manage it until we both feel happy to stop.

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    1. I have close friends who also never intended to feed and then went on to have wonderful breastfeeding journeys, that first latch can be amazing! Six months is still fabulous, but I understand those mixed feelings. I hope you are able to have an even long time of milky cuddles next time x

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  4. Thank you for sharing this with us! I gave up breast feeding my first daughter after a couple of days as it wasn't working for her at all. I didn't recognize the support that was available and felt that with the right help, I may have been more successful and fed for longer. This made me more determined to breast feed my second child when she was born. However, complications during birth made this really difficult. I tried and managed it for nearly 2 weeks. This was no where near as long as I'd hoped or intended. However, the second time I did feel more as though it was 'my choice' as to what I do. I reached for the support, had 'experts' visit me and baby at home, called support groups in the middle of the night, but it wasn't happening. I admire any mother that breast feeds their child, but also admire any mother that is strong enough to make and stand by her decisions and feel she should do so without judgement. It's wonderful that you are still feeding your daughter and feel these judgmental people should see the benefits rather than just seeing a toddler 'hanging from the breast'! It's a tough decision for any mother to make, and people should understand this and know that it is a very personal choice. Thanks again for sharing this hun. It's really helped! x

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    1. Hi Liz, I'm so glad you were able to get support this time around and felt more confortable with your choices, that's what it's all about x

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  5. I gave up feeding my son at 8.5 months which I felt was the right time for us. I did find that from about 4 months old though people started with the 'your STILL feeding him' and asking when I would stop. My goal was always six weeks but once it became apparent that it suited us both as you say, there was no reason to stop! Lovely post and I completely agree that we all need to learn to be a bit more accepting of others choices x

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    1. thank you x it can be hard sometimes not to judge others by our own ideals can't it?

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  6. Great article! I fed my first for 3 and a half years, we are Aboriginal, so I guess I was lucky in the sense that breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding is culturally acceptable, valued and even encouraged. My grandmothers and aunts all breastfed their kids, the longest until he was 6. Growing up and seeing everyone breastfeed around me, it was never a ‘choice’ to breastfeed, I just saw it as being a natural part of having a baby. As my son got older, I didn’t feed in public, it was mainly at night or in the morning or if he was sick, but when I told people I was still feeding him I did get a lot of negative comments from other people outside my family. I only gave up feeding him so I could get pregnant again and am currently breastfeeding my 7 month old twins. I plan to feed them for just as long as I fed my son. It is an amazing feeling feeding one baby, but feeding two at the same time and have them gaze up at you while holding each other’s hands would have to be one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed.

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  7. It took me ages to get going with my daughter after a traumatic arrival by emergency cs. Her first feed was in the middle of the night and her latching was all wrong but I had no help. It took 2 weeks of pain until I got to a breast feeding support group. Meanwhile I'd had to top her up by bottle and felt guilty.

    I went to work when she was 4 months and expressed for nursery but fed her myself at home. By 16 months she was only having pre bed feed. I had to have an operation so stopped this. With my son I had less trouble at start - he latched on in recovery room! He didn't like expressed milk but I again fed him until about 17 months when he stopped himself. I was quite sad about that :-(

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  8. What a brilliant post!!

    I breastfed my daughter up to the age of one. I too got negative comments about how it 'didn't look right' and 'don't you think she's too old for that now' to the point where I didn't do it in public.

    Why should it be viewed as a dirty little secret? I wish more people made a stand like you have, I may have had the confidence to continue. x

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  9. I got a comments about "still" feeding my youngest at 3 months! I am still giving him a morning feed now- at 8 months and bottles. But this was mainly because he wasn't concentrating and turning to look at things whilst suckered on to my boobs. People have an opinion on everything and I think as long as you and your little one are happy that is all that matters.

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  10. Well Done Jen xx
    I have breastfed my first five anywhere from 18 until 24 months, they made the decision to stop, not me, number six is still going at 14 months and I have no intention of stopping just because people have a different opinion to mine, even my own mum made a comment at the weekend (its not like she hasn't seen it before!!)I totally agree that I get moaned at if I make any kind of comment about bottle fed babies yet people are allowed to criticise me...

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  11. From a mother who chose not to breast feed and never once considered it, I have to say I applaud you for this post. The way we feed our babies is our choice and should never be up for discussion, especially by complete strangers or indeed family members and friends. A mother has enough going on without feeling guilty for doing something she has chosen to do that doesn't seem to fit in with the "norm". I wrote a post on my reasons for not breast feeding some time ago, and it was received with a few mixed responses, one in particular that was just plain rude. I was accused of being extremely selfish for not trying breast feeding, but I would never accuse any mother of being selfish for not bottle feeding. It works both ways.

    I'm epileptic and wouldn't have been able to breast feed anyway due to my medication, but that was by the by as I had no intention of doing it even if I could. People need to rein themselves in and remember we aren't all the same. Breast feed or don't. It's a choice. End of.

    CJ x

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  12. Great post! I had real struggles to start with both times, but once we'd got through the first month it was (mostly) a doddle and continued for more than two years, each time.

    I'm fortunate that I never really got any comments about extended breastfeeding. There may have been a few 'Gosh, you're still feeding?' comments, but the vast majority of those were surprise and often admiration. I was always ready with facts, figures and a witty (or grumpy) comeback, but never had the chance to test my reactions.

    But I hear so much about people who have had negative responses that I think it's very important to stand up for extended breastfeeding and show people it's not abnormal, weird or wrong!

    Good for you!

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  13. Great post. I manage to express for my son for the first 24 hours, as it just wasn't happening, he wouldn't latch on/I couldn't get him to latch on, and there wasn't enough support to spend quality time with me helping me! So now 4.5 months on I still feel guilty, as breastfeeding was something I really wanted to do and I feel like I failed him. Now, like you, I am even more determined to succeed with the next, now I know where to find the support, which I will also seek out during pregnancy.

    As for the extended breastfeeding and people's attitudes, I think it's wonderful how mothers feel comfortable in carrying on until the child wishes to give up. I applaud you.

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  14. Well said! I too am often shocked by attitudes towards extends breastfeeding. My eldest self weaned at 7 months, my middle one had to switch to formula at 4 months due to health reasons and my youngest is still going strong at almost 6 months. People ask me how long i will feed her for and I simply cannot answer. Sa long as she needs! Nobody ever asked me how long my son would have a bottle!
    XxX

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  15. A good post. I just don't advertise that I b/f a two-year-old, and nobody asks anymore, as they presume we are long done. Thankfully, the extended b/f guilt is not something I suffer with. I have never pushed my views on anyone. Hate the terms B/f mafia or breastapo, people who coined them or use them should really read some literature about gestapo or mafia, who kill(ed) and maim(ed) people. As far as I am aware, b/f does nothing of the kind. As for pushy mothers, they are in both camps. It is a good post, but if you don't mind me saying it is a bit apologetic to the other side, while I don't think there is need to justify your choice. If you and I choose to b/f as long as it takes, it's noone's business.

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  16. hello. Breastfed both mine until they were two and a half and will breastfeed the next one (due Dec) for as long as s/he / I want. There are so many benefits and I was so annoyed when a national paper then twisted a (largely tongue in cheek) post I'd written as an argument for stopping when they're babies, so I know how you feel! Ignore what everyone says and do what you think is best for you and your children, that's all that matters in the end.

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  17. You go girl. I breastfed both mine until well after 12 months and they both just stopped of their own accord (much to my sadness). If I remember correctly they were about 21 months and 19 months respectively and I would have carried on happily for longer but they decided when they had had enough.

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  18. Really brilliantly written post. I am fed up of being made to feel guilty for supporting and educating women on breastfeeding as a peer supporter. If we stop telling our stories and supporting others due to fear of making others feel guilty, we would be doing a dis-service to those who need and want our help. I have absolutely no problem with formula feeding when you have been given the best support available and/or are in possession of all the facts. Unfortunately, support is often inadequate and sporadic and lack of education is wide spread. If we stop talking about breastfeeding, we will always be in the minority which would be sad.

    I felt exactly the same as you when my breastfeeding journey with my oldest was cut short and am still feeding my youngest at 16 months. The older he gets, the more comments I get despite him rarely feeding outside the house. Exasperating really but we'd like to reach 2 yrs unless he decides to wean before then.

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  19. I almost cried reading this! My son gave up recently at 21 months and it is difficult for me to get over. The weird reaction people give me about my emotions over the end of this part of our relationship is so surprising to me. It's nice to read this. Good for you ;)

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